Midwest Homemaker Develops ‘Purple Thumb’ Thanks to Pinot Grigio
Leftover wine: not exactly the world’s most pressing problem, but nonetheless a longtime bugaboo for oenophiles. Fortunately, however, thanks to the discovery of a modest Midwest homemaker, there is new hope for old vino.
According to Fern (her real name) Higgins of Hinsdale, Illinois, wine is the key to keeping common houseplants healthy. As she explains it, “My husband Frank and I enjoy a bottle of wine every night, but after a couple of glasses each, there’s a full glass left over. I never knew what to do with it.”
Until one day, Fern took a bottle of last-night’s Pinot Grigio and poured its remaining 5 ounces into an ailing philodendron. “I didn’t believe it myself,” she recalls. “The next day, the pale edges were deep green again. The plant stopped drooping, and just seemed … happy.”
Since then, Fern has gone on to test and monitor the effects of varied wines on varied plants. “It’s almost like she’s a sommelier,” says husband Frank, who is clearly the more geeky of the couple. “The tall plants, in floor pots, need a wine with firm tannins. Jade plants get sake, believe it or not, and African violets like South African Chenin Blanc. The peace lily likes red blends — even if they’re on the jammy side. Her begonias prefer Burgundy, but they also seem to do just fine with a simple Pinot Noir Vin de France.”
There have been mishaps, Frank notes: “We had some super-oaky Chardonnay one night. Couldn’t finish a second glass. Fern wound up giving half a bottle to our Ficus… darn near killed it.”
For some plants, when the pot is big enough, Fern likes to insert the leftover wine bottles into soil, making the Higgins’s sun room a festive combination of greenery, flowers and upside-down wine bottles.
Serendipitously, Fern’s ferns are just like Fern, says Frank: “They both like pretty much every wine.”
For her part, Fern remains humble. “I just hate to see good wine go to waste,” she says. This summer, she plans to extend her leftover-wine testing to the vegetable garden. The tomatoes, Fern figures, could use a dose of Sangiovese …
HAPPY APRIL FOOLS DAY!!!!
